I came here to post a new poem, but first I want to try rephrasing an earlier post (two posts in one night?!). See: the only post written in bright blue letters.
I noticed that I used the word "internalized" in the post, and that's actually kind of a buzzword. I'm not sure if I even knew this term at the time, but I think what I was figuring out on my own was something a lot of people have actually been talking about for awhile, and it's called "internalized oppression." A pretty straightforward example of this is the kids who post comments on controversial YouTube videos saying, "I don't know why people are getting offended about this, I'm part of the community that is being marginalized and I'm totally cool with it. Get a sense of humor, LOL." Except maybe sometimes we should be having those conversations, rather than further alienating people (and especially ourselves). So I have a story for you.
I briefly mentioned a petition I was working on this quarter in an earlier post, saying I had collected 100 signatures. Well, the group of roughly ten of us ended up with 8,315 signatures by the time we turned it in on March 1st. (Read: superhuman strength and lots of coffee) I can now say that I've had one-on-one conversations with roughly one thousand people I go to school with. Not bad for an introvert.
Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that when you are talking to tons of different strangers about an issue that you care about and want to make them care about, you start to pick up on tricks to make each person more likely to put their signature on that page. I learned to read people's expressions pretty well, and would shorten my talking points accordingly. I could figure out pretty quickly if I should emphasize more that "it's a
really good cause," or "don't worry, I swear we won't email you or anything," and so on. 9 times out of 10, people were awesome and put their name down and wished me good luck. Out of that 1 out of 10 that didn't sign, they were usually cramming for a test or otherwise polite about it. But once in awhile, I would get slammed by these assholes who would talk to me like I wasn't a person. I remember this one guy sitting with a big group of people who decided to speak for the whole group by folding his arms, leaning back, talking over everyone else at the table and saying in an incredibly sarcastic voice, "Oh, that's really great for you! HAVEANICEDAY."
Oh, you are so very witty! I bet you've never thanked a bus driver or looked a waitress in the eye. Clearly there's no need because you are better than all of us.
Otherwise, the standard asshole would tell me with a really condescending look on their face that actually I had no idea what I was talking about and clearly they were experts on the thing I've spent the better part of my college life learning about (sweatshops and labor rights), probably because they read an article with a corporate sponsorship that told them that sweatshops are good for the economy. (How many times did I hear, "Umm,
actually, did you know that sweatshops are good for the economy?" Umm, actually, you said sweatshops but I think you meant your mom.) I'm definitely not saying that you shouldn't be skeptical of the majority opinion when everyone else is jumping on the bandwagon (think of the Joseph Kony video and its critics), but that doesn't mean that when a differing opinion comes out, it is automatically the real truth. You still need to do your research- be skeptical on both sides.
Whenever this happened, I would feel a little down for the rest of the day, no matter if it was one asshole and the other fifty people were encouraging. (Which sucks! But it's hard not to care.) I realized pretty quickly that it was only guys who talked to me this way- I never once had this problem with a girl. Eventually, I also noticed that on the days that I wore makeup, guys were more receptive in general and I hardly ever got picked on. I also got more email addresses on those days. Once I figured this out, I started making sure to wear makeup on the days I was planning to petition. I was fairly proud of figuring this out and even felt victorious in a way, like I beat the assholes at their own game...
Until it hit me one day that the assholes had effectively trained me like a dog to look pretty for them in order to earn common courtesy. As a person who is perpetually late for everything, I would sometimes even choose makeup over breakfast if I had to get to class. I was skipping breakfast to put on makeup because to the assholes, I was only worth human decency if they were attracted to me and maybe thought they could get something. So I would smile like an idiot and they would sign where I wanted but I was the one rolling over. I thought I was the winner, I didn't even see what I was doing to myself.
And that is internalized oppression.
If you start to pay attention, you'll notice that in group discussions, girls will say "I think-," and "Sorry, I just want to say-," and "Um, well I don't know but-" and so forth. On the other hand, you will rarely hear a guy apologize before speaking his mind. Since somebody pointed this out to me, I catch myself doing it, too. If you have something to say, FUCKING SAY IT. It is important. It needs to be heard. Don't let other people talk over you or shoot you down. You are valuable, it isn't fair to the world that you keep yourself locked up. You're
not sorry, and you
do know. So own it.
